If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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