just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
