Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
