walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
