Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
