I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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