My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
