i'm lost and i look like a hooker
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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