She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
