Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
