Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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