Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
