Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
