who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
