tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
where am i from again
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
