Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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