just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
