If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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