Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
