Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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