The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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