I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
