My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
