jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
