The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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