Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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