so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
