She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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