Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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