What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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