Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
