I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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