I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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