the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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