Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
