Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
