hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I look better un-naked...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
