Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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