it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
