I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
