If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize