My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
