The maid of honor just puked.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
