Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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