I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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