Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
