That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
