she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
