I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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