I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I lost the right to judge tonight
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
