theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I need moral support for this bender
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
