He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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