At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
