I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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