When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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