So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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