OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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