someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
