Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
